you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
