I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
