i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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