think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
