By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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