Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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