if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
