I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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