if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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