My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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