im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
