You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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