I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
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To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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