I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
