Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So squirting runs in the family.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
