I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Vodka?
Forever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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