So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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