I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
