He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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