She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
