I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
