just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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