Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
