And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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