I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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