The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
His hands were made for my vagina.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
