my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
