remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
