yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
