i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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