He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
