see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
