Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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