Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
