i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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