This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
