It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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