Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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