i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Congratulations! We have a period
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