When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
