Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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