It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
