Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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