I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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