I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
