Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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