Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.