I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
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surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list