Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle