She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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