u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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