nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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