Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
