I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
