no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
