i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
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You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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