It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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